It was a Big 'Effin Deal!
During a therapy session to work through an unconscious block to reaching the next level of success in my professional life, I was asked if I had ever been in the hospital. "Well that was a strange question," I thought, but we were afterall, going after this block through unconventional means.
"Yes, one time. I had spinal meningitis."
"What were your thoughts around it at that time?" the healer asked.
I reflected upon that time in my life and how ill I was, but how reluctant I was to convey to those around me just how sick I was. No, actually it wasn't reluctance, I didn't comprehend how sick I was because I had spent my entire life minimizing things like illness, emotional discomfort, fatigue, etc.
"It wasn't that big of a deal." I replied. "I minimized how serious it was."
She then asked, "what do you think of it now?"
"It was a big fucking deal!!" I exclaimed before I even realized what was coming out of my mouth.
Heck yeah it was a big deal. I could have died. I had a spinal tap. I recall seeing the fluid that was drained off my spine and it looked thick and dirty like muddy pond water. With that one statement, I felt a rush of energy flowing through me. I realized how often I had minimized the good, the successes, the magic and the beauty in my life too. Everything had always been minimized.
The healer had me visualize what minimizing looked like in my body. I saw myself curling up, trying to be smaller, wanting to disappear. We then switched to what expansive would look like. My body unfurled like a flower blooming. I saw myself on a stage, arms wide open. I allowed myself to be big and open.
I felt such relief and no longer playing small and I thought of the anis nin quote, "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”