Women who Partner with Controlling Men Don't Run with the Wolves

May 1, 2013

Perhaps women end up with controlling relationships because it feels safer and less scary than a man who gives space.

 

My first marriage didn’t leave me much room for throwing caution to the wind and being my wild, free self.  I always had the comfort of “he won’t let me” in my back pocket.  And therefore the responsibility of my stifled soul was placed on him! (right.)  But alas, I could only tell myself that lie for seven years and I finally had to break free and attempt a run with the wolves.

 

It was terrifying to be an adult fully on my own.  Suddenly I was responsible for the state of my own soul.  No longer able to blame the controlling husband.  I stretched and grew a bit, but I also began numbing out with alcohol.  And in less than a year of being single, I met the next husband (aka the current husband). We dated for about a year before getting married, and I learned quickly that having space in a relationship can feel exhilirating and freeing but it also leaves room for thrashing around and insecurities. And, THAT can feel incredibly scary …like a small child without boundaries.  It can even feel like not being protected.

 

I learned that space in a relationship takes a lot of trust in my partner and in myself.  It takes a constant dialogue of authentic feelings rather than projecting.   Believe me, I’ve done it both ways and projecting is a whole lot easier and far more dramatic, but authentic leads to better, lasting results.  I recommend investing in the authentic.  You know it’s like paying a little more for the classic black leather pumps that will last for years and years versus getting the shiny patent leather f-me pumps that will last a season.

 

Women, we’ve got to run with the wolves.  It’s our natural birthright.  We are the wild, creative spirit the world needs right now.  We’ve got to break free from being controlled and know that we are the ones placing ourselves in captivity.  Married 23+ years and I still do it!  I try to put the burden on him to hold me back and keep me from being my full creative self…but he ain’t buying it.  That’s our dance.  I’ll say something like, “I’m assuming you don’t want me to fill in the blank”and smart man that he is, will say, “oh no…you’re not putting that off on me.”  And then I have to take responsibility for either doing it or not doing it.   But it’s ultimately up to me and my soul.  I have to keep pushing and challenging myself to do what my spirit is calling for.  And sometimes I just don’t and that’s ok too.  Because the opportunity will usually come back around again.

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