At 9 days sober, I thought I knew it all. Now, I'm a few weeks away from celebrating 10 years of recovery and I'm reading through the journals of my first months of the journey.
The interesting and surprising thing is that I DID know a lot. I am reading the wisdom that I had even though I had barely gotten the alcohol out of my blood stream. This goes against everything I was taught in early recovery. I was taught that my best thinking had gotten me to the mess I was in.
I wish I'd had a loving guide that assured me I had a ton of wisdom in me and that I could trust it, and it was critical to not numb the wisdom out with alcohol or by switching to other addictions. Alcohol numbed it and dumbed it down. It made me not trust myself and not like myself. The wisdom was there, it just had a hard time seeing the light of day due to being drowned by the vodka and chardonnay.
I'm finally brave enough to admit that the 12-step program was never my cup of tea. It was integral in my early recovery but I never fully trusted the approach. It felt (and still feels) very fear based.
I've only recently had the courage to say out loud that I don't go to meetings and I'm not afraid of relapsing. I'm not afraid because I've healed and I've created a life that I would never choose to numb out now. I know how detrimental alcohol is to my mental, physical and spiritual health.
I like ME now and I won't treat myself that way again. I choose to not "fear" relapse. Instead, I meditate, stay connected to the divine and connected to other women in recovery. I'm not revealing my truth because I have a bone to pick with 12-step communities. I know without a doubt that they save more lives than any other approach and I'm grateful.
I'm speaking my truth in case there are other women out there who feel similarly but have been indoctrinated to believe they can't trust themselves. One thing I know for sure, is that as women we have a powerful wisdom that resides within us. Most of us haven't been taught to trust it. One way to begin learning to trust it is to surround yourself with other wise women. Together we can access the truth and hold each other in the light of our knowing.